A Brief And Overdue Announcement

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Thank you kindly for your attention. We, the information network for orthodox religion, find it necessary to inform you that we have just received an important newsflash from the research department. It would seem that Islam has, as of today, been canceled due to lack of interest by heaven. And Ramadan is right out. The five pillars just gave way, and will now be replaced by the 5 books of the Torah, as supplemented and explained by the other 61 canonical books of the Bible, and the worship practices commended therein.

Given the biblical teachings against false religion we have discovered in Colossians 2, and sundry other texts, condemning superstition, falsehood generally, blasphemy and idolatry, the Ramadan holiday has been postponed indefinitely, and the management requests you submit your copies of all Quranic and Hadithic teaching material for immediate mulching. You can shred them first if you like, but they must afterward still be mulched.

I repeat, Islam has been canceled and its doctrines are now plant-food. The annual Jihad has been re-scheduled never to be rescheduled, that off-white wardrobe is now obsolete (let us do be honest, it was rather gauche all along). And there is to be no more slapping, kicking, hitting or otherwise abusing of women in whatever manner you may have preferred, effectively immediately. Also, please turn in your RPG launchers, AK-47's and other automatic -- or else very long, curved and pointy -- weapons to the nearest civil authorities, since the Jihad is on hold til further notice. And scimatar-throwing has officially been omitted from the olympics. The good news is that you may exchange any weapon whose market value exceeds 50 dollars for a King James Bible, where the actual prophets speak -- clearly not obscurely -- without Suras.

We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused, and the litigation department will be suing Satan and his malignants in a gargantuan class-action suit, who, having taught this stuff for 1,400 years now, decidedly owe humanity a hefty refund. We regret to inform you that we have been scammed, and apologize for not having clarified the confusion earlier, which may have misled several large people groups -- and many innocent camels -- for over a millenium.

We also have this helpful advice of like kind from the department designed to prevent future scams:

1. Never trust a man's religion who will not buy the beer
2. Do not EVER vote for Al Gore for any office whatsoever for which he may present himself a candidate
3. And do not relinquish your social security number to any used car salesman.

Sorry. sorry about that. SORRY. As you were. Carry on.

The INFOR management